Don't Let Your Dreams Be Dreams

We all have wants and wishes, hopes and dreams, thoughts and prayers, aspirations and goals.  A handful of these things we actually attempt to gain, some of them we achieve, but the vast majority of them we leave in a dark recess in the back of our minds only to be awakened as day dreams for us to escape.  It's nice to have these getaways when we our feeling bored, down, or distant from the world, but the question is, why do we settle?  When does that goal just become one of the day dreams?  Where is the line drawn between what we make reachable and what we bound fantasy?  We our all victims of this tragedy because we have all made one of our dreams just that, a dream.  

Since I was 17 years old I wanted to be a doctor.  I took my first psychology class and became consumed with the biology of the mind and the human body and I knew that's what I wanted to do.  I am now 22, and you might not think that is a great gap from 17, but what I've come to realize is that the first few years or so after high school can be the most defining years of your life and your personality can change drastically from one year to the next as you are searching for your place in this incredibly busy world. Anyhow, back to the subject, since then I have changed my mind quite a few times about what I wanted to do and for the last year I have been set on being a physician assistant.  Being a PA is a great career and I have so much respect for so many PA's and what they do, but since I have been in college I have not truly been satisfied with what I'm doing and the path I'm on.  To make a long story short that might bore my only two readers I have decided I am going to go to medical school.

For the last few years I have struggled and debated with what I should be doing and for the last year I have been excited about PA school, but I've just had this knot deep down that has made me feel I am selling myself short.  On so many occasions I have struggled with the decision to go to med school and I always end up talking myself out of it one way or another saying I don't want to do the extra work, I don't want to be in that much debt, I can do the same basic thing as a PA, I don't want to dedicate my life to work, blah blah blah.  My body, soul, and mind have twisted and turned trying to convince the other what I should, and for some reason yesterday I just sat down and decided:

1)  I'm young, and although it doesn't always feel like it, time is on my side.
2)  When I do something I want to be the best.   I want to be the guy that knows everything and that everyone goes too.
3)  If I go to PA school and finish I might always regret not just going to medical school, if I do medical school I don't think there is anyway I would regret it.
4) I don't want to dedicate my life to a job, but medicine is more than a career choice, it's a passion, and every part of me wants to know it up and down.

To sum it up I don't know when I changed the thought of becoming a doctor from a goal to a dream, but I refuse to sell myself short.  For the last five years when I imagined where I would be and what I would be doing ten years down the road I was always a doctor.  I wasn't a nurse, a lawyer, a paramedic, a rock star, or even a PA, I was a doctor.  This is a dream that is within my grasp, and it only took me five years to realize it, but I finally did and that knot is finally starting to untangle.  It's going to be a long hard road from here on out, but I will not let this dream stay a dream. 

Little OJ

I've been so busy these last few weeks with school I've forgotten to mention something very different that happened to me this week.  I became a God Father.  I realize it's not a huge deal unless your a Catholic Colombian drug lord, but it is a very surreal feeling know that I have this new person in my life who I could one day possibly be completely responsible for.  I had mixed feelings about it for awhile and didn't know if I was even up to the off chance of having to actually commit to the responsibility, but the moment I got the call that my friend was in labor I was over come with joy.  I'm excited for the opportunity to be in this little girls life and watch her grow up and be there to support her.  I'm honored that my friends Andee and Matt trust me enough to give me that responsibility and I will always be there for them and that baby girl now.  I look forward to the opportunities of the future and all the good times and bad that our ahead.  

Expect the Unexpected

Today was definitely one of the the toughest days I've had in awhile.  All summer I have been taking this EMS class and going through it with flying colors.  I have basically made a few of the exams and tutored some other students to help out and never had a problem.  I felt I was miles ahead of everyone else.  My national registry exam was this morning and because the class had been so easy I didn't even study for it.  I walked out of the exam after an hour and felt my heart dragging behind me.  I just had a pitting feeling in my stomach about the exam and it turns out I did not pass it.  I really couldn't believe it.  I'm still pretty upset about it.  I've been told by a handful of people, including my EMS professor, that I would have trouble with the exam because I over analyze everything and tend to look at the scenarios as more of a Doctor than an EMT.  The whole purpose of this test is to be basic basic basic.  It's so hard for me to do that because I constantly and thinking of the underlying diagnosis and what should be done for long term treatment and that is not how this works.  After hitting my steering wheel so hard I hurt my hand today and buying a study guide I felt a little better.  I spoke to a PA I shadow and he encouraged me and said most people don't pass their first time, but it still makes me feel like I'm an idiot.

Although this has been an overall pretty rough day; I spoke with my grandpa and like always he just restored my confidence.  He told me, "Saylor without the valley, there would be no mountain to climb."  My grandpa is facing so many battles in his own life, but he is the most selfless person in the world and he is the only person that can make me feel like I deserve to keep continuing.  He's the only person I know that I don't have to work to impress and that he would be proud of me no matter what.  This is one of my low points and a reality check, but I'm thankful to always have people in my life that can pick me back up when I've been knocked down.

Holding a Breath of Relief

It was a mixed emotion night.  I have been so wrapped up in school this summer I have barely seen any of my friends or even left the house besides work and school.  Tonight I finally relaxed and spent the day and night just sitting around talking to my friends.  It was refreshing just sitting on the back porch having some Even Williams and talking about music, religion, memories, and all the things that make friends friends.  While the night was some sort of relief it made me realize how I have neglected some things.

I have concentrated on school so much for the last couple of years that I often find myself neglecting those around me because I simply feel I don't have the energy to pass around.  My social life is severely lacking and it is no ones fault but my own.  I have become a recluse over the last 4 or 5 years and find myself dreading social situations.  I have a handful of very close friends that I spend my time with and of course my family, but I feel that I am neglecting part of my youth by not going out and exploring this thing they call social interaction.  Perhaps it is not a bad thing because most of my friends are the same way, but are we missing out on an important mile stone in life?  I've always heard college is the time to branch out and be a little crazy, but I've just never really felt like that.  To me college has been the time to study, study, work, study, and in between that keep up with my already close relationships.

I realize I am young and have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel like I am missing out on the opportunities to go out and meet new people, go on dates, and take a hold of the world!  Maybe it's just Hollywood that teaches me these things, but I can't help but question some of my decisions.

I would really like to start trying to make more of an effort by maybe just studying at a coffee shop instead of my low lighted room, or maybe just saying hello to someone I don't know occasionally.  This is much easier said than done for me because I am a little anti social to say the least and just have the underlying fear that I am going to be embarrassed or fail miserably at something I am completely unaware of.  Oh the trials and errors of growing up can be so complex and overwhelming.  I can't wait to look back on these never ending days.